Home Premier League Tottenham Hotspur 4 Things That Guarantee Tottenham Hotspur Winning the Title This Season

4 Things That Guarantee Tottenham Hotspur Winning the Title This Season

Umid Dey gives us a comical and satirical look at what Tottenham Need to do to win the Premier League.

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Tottenham Hostspur

Tottenham Hotspur are in a bit of a quandary here. With almost each of their direct rivals for the Premier League title strengthening their respective teams,

Tottenham are yet to sign a player. Indeed, even Everton have shattered their transfer records to build a strong squad – and with the way things have been going so far, it seems like the Toffees might just end up pushing for a spot in the top four.=

For Tottenham, last season was their highest point in the Premier League era. They played some good football and showed admirable spirit, but ultimately fell to a ruthless Chelsea. They were the Prison Break of the Premier League: showed massive potential with their start, but couldn’t be the best as that distinction was won by Chelsea – the Breaking Bad.

It is unlikely that Tottenham will reach the 86-point mark in the upcoming season, especially with the way the other clubs are conducting themselves in the transfer window. Keeping this in mind, here are four things Tottenham could do that will definitely make them win the title this season. 100% guarantee.

Note: Don’t take this too seriously

Bribing rival chefs

It will certainly not take as much money to bribe rival chefs as it would to sign quality players in today’s market, something Tottenham don’t seem to be doing anyway.

Since they can’t keep up with their rivals during the funny season, it is only wise for them to try something cheeky.

A bad tummy is a bad day. Such is the horror of having a bad tummy that you risk letting out the pigments while doing something as trivial as coughing.

Indeed, just ask former Spurs striker, Gary Lineker, about a bad tummy, and he will show you this video of him pooping on the pitch after being challenged by an Irish defender in the World Cup.

When you have a stomach upset, nothing is pleasing – absolutely nothing, not even making love. It is for this reason that Tottenham should bribe their opponent’s Chefs to prepare performance hampering meals for them.

The brown patches on the pitch or the pants of the rivals certainly won’t be a pretty thing for the Lilywhites to deal with, but hey; at least they will have the advantage

Spreading fake injury stories before games

I remember an incident in school during the inter-class basketball tournament when our class – the O level kids – took on the CBSE batch of the same grade. Before the game, we got the news that two of their best players won’t be playing due to unforeseen circumstances.

That’s it. The match was already won in our minds; so much so that our class named the ‘C’ team to play against those folks. Obviously, I was a member of the ‘C’ team and to give you a clear picture of things; I was to basketball as Twilight is to romantic movies.

And then came the shocker: those guys had spread false rumours, their best players were indeed playing. We couldn’t change the starting five now since it was a matter of prestige. 10 minutes in and we were getting ruined. Someone from the crowd actually yelled “that monkey-face is a joke, remove him!” I would like to think that it wasn’t intended for me. And I have no idea who is cutting onions in my room right now at 8 am in the morning.

In the end, thanks to the substitution rules in basketball, we made the changes and barely managed to win. However, with only three substitutions allowed in football, it is not quite possible to that sort of comeback.

And this is why Tottenham Hotspur should try this out. It will only work for some games since after a while, teams will see through the façade and will know better than to believe the rumours. However, Tottenham could also…

Use witchcraft

witchcraft in football getty
Benfica celebrating their 36th league title

This seems to be the trend right now. Just a few days ago, Porto accused their eternal rivals, Benfica, of using witchcraft in order to win the league. While the claims are unproven, doing voodoo things to turn the tide of the game is happens in some African leagues.

Like, take, for example, this guy named Moussa Camara playing for Rwandan Premier League team, Rayon. He tried and tried, but couldn’t score. The closest he came to scoring was hitting the crossbar from a header.

And then he decided that he had had enough and did some voodoo stuff on the opposition’s goal-line before being chased by away by the rival goalkeeper. As the game restarted, it only took Camara a few seconds to score and tie the game 1-1.

So Tottenham could follow suit and bring the voodoo to the Premier League and win the coveted title. If Spurs do that and manage to win the league, nobody will buy the best players in the next transfer window. Rather, teams will fight over the best witch doctor.

Expect Manchester United to break the transfer record on a witch doctor this summer.

Pray Everyday

And finally, praying. Using witchcraft is a practice not appreciated in the religious scriptures as it turns the practitioner away from the Almighty. If Spurs’ players believe in God and intend to go to heaven after their time in this world ends, then witchcraft isn’t really something they will ever consider.

So what to do in such a scenario? Pray. Incessantly. They say that when one prays with complete faith and devotion, she/he is bound to have their desire fulfilled. And it’s true. Back when I was a child, I used to pray for a brother, but God gave me something even better – a younger sister.

As Tottenham can’t compete with their rivals on a financial scale, they should pray to God. Since Lionel Messi lives quite far away, they could just use his picture or attend prayer meetings at the church before every game and pray for victory. Pray and play should be the way to go for Tottenham Hotspur.

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